I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
