I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
