Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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