are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize