Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
