She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
