I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
