I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
