if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
