I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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