Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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