I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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