God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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