after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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