What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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