I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
