you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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