I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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