No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
