Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize
