Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
