it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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