Rock
Scissors
Fuck
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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