hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
