just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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