I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
