When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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