when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
