I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
