oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize