just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My life is pants optional.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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