you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
