and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
