dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
