oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
