We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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