After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
