Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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