P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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