So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
