I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
