He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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