now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Randomize
