I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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