I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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