nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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