i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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