Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
