Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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