I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
