Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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