i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
