Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
