Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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