Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
