Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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