census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I could fuck to npr.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
