mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
